I haven't written in a year. I was reading my old entries and it seems like I've grown. I'm more cautious around guys and people. I'm more mature. I care less about most things in my life. I still have my best buy job. I haven't drank or smoked anything in a year or so.

What hasn't changed? I'm still depressed. I still haven't finished high school. I don't feel 19 years old because there's nothing except smoking or drinking to make me realize that I'm finally a year older. I'm still suicidal. I still don't have a boyfriend. <--- I guess I didn't really have to say it if I'm more cautious of guys. 

It's almost Christmas and my mom decides to ask me what I want for Christmas tonight. I thought parents are supposed to ask at the beginning of December or the ending of November. I said she didn't have to and then she went on to ask me what three things I want for Christmas. I listed the things I need, which is a tripod and new shoes. Then she says, 'alright I'll give you a hundred dollars'. I said to her, 'What was the point of asking me if you were just going to give me money?" So supposedly, I'm going shopping with her and she's buying me them. I don't want to because I like the thought of opening it up and being surprised that someone actually put the thought into it. I don't want to force my mom into doing something she doesn't want to do. I'll buy them on boxing day before work. My shift is from 10am to 10pm.

I know that I haven't been around. I think of so many things to write in here, but once I sit down, those thoughts just fade away.

Something I was thinking about this morning while I was laying in bed. I'm staying here in Italy with my father. I've met people that knew me as a child and they said that I look just like my mother and father. There was this neighbour yesterday who mentioned that I looked like my mother. Then at that moment, I thought, What did my father say to the neighbour after my mother left him? Something like, "She went on vacation to visit her mother or she left me to move to Canada with my children". I wonder if my father told the truth or accepted the shame that his wife and children left him.

When my mother left, he charged her with child abduction. With the law, you could be a mother/father and a child abductor. It's really crazy. Every time I walk into a Wal-Mart, there's posters of children being abducted by their parents. I've never seen any of them being abducted by strangers. There's even runaways, but I'm sure there's an obvious reason why the kid ran away.

My father asked me a few days ago what my mother was doing with her life. How one day he asked her if she had slept with another man since the last time being with him and she said that she hadn't. It's like my mother is some sex craving slut wanting to come back to Italy. I was thinking, "Uh huh, I'm sure she definitely wants you back...not". My mother didn't like being treated like a slave.

Point is, yesterday I realized that whatever happened in the past has nothing to do with me. I'm getting to know my father now and I'm seeing how he is with my own eyes. Nobody is fooling me. I see him as someone very cheap and stubborn.

I looked at SLR cameras for a moment today and he talked about megapixels. I shouldn't have let him go on because SLR cameras aren't just for the amount of megapixels. If I was looking for a camera with lots of megapixels, I would have gone with a digital camera and it would have been cheaper. I'm going for SLR because its precise with the image that you're taking. You control your own shutter speed, focus, aperture, ISO, etc. My mind is probably missing something more on what you could do with it because its late here.

I'm going to bed. goodnight

Sincerely yours,

I wish I could say my name on this, but I'll leave it blank.

The only thing I can practically enjoy from staying up till 5am is birds chirping. I never knew that as a child. I always thought the quote, "The early bird catches the worm", was just this quote that made children get up early. so they would develop this good habit for a future paying job. That's life for you. You move on, get a good paying job, have a family, become grandparents and eventually die. Eh, that's life for you.

I lost most of my hope. A hope that I'll stop fighting this battle. A hope that all the tragic events in my life will stop. A hope that I can move on from my past. A hope that there will be a better future. Why have I lost my hope? Well there isn't many drugs and booze in this world to end my tragedies. There isn't a person out there to convince me that I've won the battle, because I would rather win the war. There isn't anyone out there to make me feel beautiful because I already received society's opinion on me. There isn't anyone out there to make me feel smart and doubtless because I already received my report card.

When you got the whole world against you, you'll stop fighting because when your bones become weak and crippled, you got nothing left to live for. That's when you lose your hope.

“Wild Geese”
Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

I got that poem from here. It's an okay poem and I do like it. Many people won't understand it, but it's about having imperfections.

In many ways, I hate my imperfections. My family and society has made me feel ashamed of my life that I don't know how to make myself care less.

I talked to Dr. Online more, but I'm tired to explain our conversation. I will tomorrow morning. okay? I have lots and lots to share. goodnight my darling.

Sincerely yours

I went out tonight to walk the dogs, which is the first time in a very long time. I never walk them due to my laziness or hermit traits. I walked each one of my two dogs on different walks. When I first went out with Keelie he led me onto a dark path, which I noticed that wasn't very dark. Then I also noticed the moon was out and about giving me and keelie light to see. Plus the snow reflected against the moonlight. My first thought was how protective the moonlight was. I thanked the man on the moon for guiding my path back into the street light. I also thought how society could think that he was so lonely. It might look like a sad face, but I didn't feel sadness and depression. To me, he felt strong and the ruler of the night. Everyone has always thought the sunlight was more of a God, even as far as the Egyptians.

Sincerely yours,

Julia

Today I went to my orthodontics appointment. I was sitting in the waiting room at 11:40am and my appointment was at 12:05pm. This guy walked in and I didn't see his face, only from the waist down. I got called in and while I waited another few minutes I turn around and notice that the guy sitting on the next dentist chair beside me was the same guy in the waiting room. When I turned around to my left, I noticed he was staring at me and got this freaked out look. LOL. I didn't give him the evil eye or anything like that. I just looked at him.

I got a bottom retainer for my teeth, which is a small metal string glued. I can feel it with my tongue, but I can't feel it with my fingers. It feels a bit weird, but I'll get used to it. I booked my next appointment for August 2. I didn't exactly choose the date she offered it. I took it and hadn't realized that it was Jeff's birthday. I realized it when I was on the 44 bus going to Meadowvale. Some reason, I was relieved that I had a place to be during that day, in case someone invited me to his birthday party.

Tonight I was sitting outside and I felt this cold feeling. The weather wasn't really that cold. It was a feeling of loneliness. Maybe I do want someone to not make me feel this way. I think that's why a lot of people go into relationships. I should really agree to this? Should I let go? Dive right into the deep ocean of relationships? Leave my fears and face it. Everyone is afraid to take risks. I took a risk before and got hurt. Most of my risks have turned to shit. This feeling hasn't let me sleep, until I finally face it. When I get a new cellphone up and running, maybe I will call him up. Is it wrong for a girl to make the first move? Or should a guy do that? I doubt he'll ever do that.

Tonight I do feel really tired because of the lack of sleep the other night. Oh shit, I almost forgot to take my pill. Hold on, BRB. I think the pill is a good idea. It gives you a less risk at getting pregnant, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't use a condom. You always have to be cautious about sex.

I'll take a bite, but just be ready when it goes to shit.

Sincerely yours,

The Secret Mind of Kiwibitch ♥

Life goes on, but it seems that nothing really changes. Seasons change and years go by, but those years don't change me. I'm crying for the past that left me and for a future that I do not want. I don't want to change or don't know how to move on. A repetition of a song from my past doesn't want me to move on. Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow? Another Tomorrow doesn't seem tempting.

Respect my wishes as if I was alive. Nobody ever listens to what you have to say after your dead or even when you're alive. That's life and Good Night!

A little depressing speech a wrote.

I should get things out before I get more hurt and then I feel more like shit.

I slept in the afternoon and then kelcie called me and I hung out with her. We talked about some stuff. I asked her why she was friend's with Emily? In a casual, yet confused way. She said that even though Emily acted stupid sometimes, she was a great friend. I didn't need to add anything to that. I knew she was a great person, but mostly annoying. We talked about a lot of things. Experiences, piercing, tattoo's, smoking, partying, school, etc. Then I went back home and my mom came home and brought pizza too. She left on a date with her new kinda boyfriend, not yet.

I needed to know more about Ryan. I kept thinking about him. I found out that he has a girlfriend. I was going through his music myspace accounts listening to his music and then I saw his profile on his top 8. On his profile it said that he was in a relationship. :(

I knew now not to get too close to him. Keep my feelings locked and kept away in my heart and in this blog. I'm sorry my heart, but love is not for you and will never be for you. You belong to rejection and no one else.

I've been listening to Fiona Apple a lot. Its calming and peaceful. It helps me.

Sincerely yours,

The broken heart of kiwibitch :(

I don't know where to start. One day could change your life or possibly make you forget a lot of things to do. Sleep, use the washroom, or even eat. Which these things I forced myself to do. I didn't use the washroom/eat because I thought my mom was awake because I heard loud noises in the washroom and hallway.

I always forget to eat, so that’s not quite a change itself. I don't usually write/type blog entry in the mornings, especially on Saturday mornings this early. Why is that? Usually I sleep in or write my blogs at night. If you didn't guess it then I'll just tell you. I couldn't sleep at all. Usually that happens and then I go to sleep but last night I had toooo much on my mind. I'll start from yesterday.

I had bought two cd's and a book on Thursday afternoon at Erin Mills. I supposedly had an orthodontist appointment, but what I and my mother found out that the doctor/dentist wasn't in the office on Monday's and Thursday's. My appointment was yesterday, but instead she decided to book it in the morning, which I hate having early appointments when my sleeping pattern is fucked up.

I'm hoping to at least sleep tonight. I missed the appointment in the morning, which Marcello was supposed to drive me to. I don't blame him because I slept in, not him. Andrew took my appointment which was originally at four. I got pissed off at her because I kept telling her that she booked the appointment for Andrew at four and mine at eight and that they wouldn't have room for me because the person who booked the appointment told us that Friday's were pretty much the full days. She ignored me and basically told me the same thing I said to her.

After leaving the orthodontist on Thursday, she dropped me off at Erin Mills. I liked being in the mall alone. I could look at things in the music store that even my mom wouldn't guess what kind of music genre it was. I was kinda sad that basically in HMV they sold the last copy of Talkie Walkie by Air earlier that morning. That was shocking.

I looked for Dorothy Dandridge, but unfortunately they actually stopped shipping them. Grrr I wish they could stop shipping crappy cd's that most people won't even buy. Instead I got Moon Safari also by Air. It was one of cd's I wanted to buy, and then bought cherry blossom girl single cd at sunrise records. Then I bought the book "How I Live Now", it was pretty good. I wish I had the stomach to discuss it. My stomach is really hurting me. It's not my stomach it’s my gut. Ouch. :(

Alright let’s go on to Friday. I slept pretty much in most of the morning waking up at some points and reading some of my book. I finished it by the afternoon. I cleaned half of my room. I was eating spaghetti, when in comes my mom with Wendy's. So I told her I'll eat it later if I was hungry, which I did eat it later.

We sat there and then she was telling me about this book one of her students was reading. It was about a detective and a psychic working together solving a crime and falling in love. I told her that it was predictable and I've heard a thousand detective novels.

Out of nowhere she asks me, "Are you Gay?” Really? All women with a strong opinion have to be gay. I was pissed off and shot back at her. "How the fuck am I gay?” Seriously I haven't kissed any girls and haven't looked at any girls that kind of way around her. Just for being different I have to be considered gay. When the fuck did being gay have to do with being different. Just because someone is different, "oh the only reason is that they're gay". Then I told her, "Maybe I don't like to read the same shit over again and I would want to read a book that doesn't sound at all the same as other books."

Then she called me special for seeing a different thing. To be honest, I don't feel special. We're all the same in different ways, but we all see the same but others rather show it, then follow a crowd and do the same. That was that of our conversation.

When she came back from refereeing soccer, we went to 7-11 to get some ice cream. I got a slurpee, as well as Andrew.

Now this is the hardest thing I've been thinking about. When I came back and spend a few hours on vf chat. I noticed SirRian was in the chat as well. This time I actually talked to him in a friendly way. I told him what I felt like before when I was walking with Lyla. He knew that it reminded me of my childhood. We both missed it. He had told me that he loved to feel the breeze when riding his bicycle in the summer. I felt that he could sense what I was thinking and most of the time I didn't need to talk.

He gave me this song as a gift, with his actual voice. Not actually but edited with this program. I heard this other song with a piano tune playing. I was something that I couldn't describe. He played keys fast, but you could still hear each key clearly.

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't. He wanted me to say something, but I was speechless. I really loved the song he gave me as a gift. Its funny and I love the voice. It’s an alienish voice.

I found out that his name is Ryan. He lives in Thunder Bay, which is in the same province as mine. It’s near Lake Superior. The part where it stays in Ontario. The thing that hit me in the head was that he was 19. I don't know why I always like older guys. They're the ones that are smarter and wiser. I want to tell him I like him, but I barely know him.

He gives me this weird feeling in my stomach. It brings out real smiles out of myself. I love the feeling. I don't know if I should tell him that I couldn't sleep and haven't slept at all. well I don't know about later. :) I felt happy and still do since a long time. I do have bad feelings, but those can wait till something bad happens.

Sincerely yours,

An actual real smile of kiwibitch :)

well, nothing new happened yesterday. Still the same. I feel terrible. I think I'll probably hurt my mom if I fail every class.

Next week is exams and I still don't know anything about my subjects. I wanted to go today but everyday I keep sleeping in. I shouldn't lie here, when I lie in my blog it hurts me. This is suppose to be the truth and all I'm doing is lying.

Every morning I wake up and most of the time I ignore my alarm clock and other times I wake up and turn off my alarm clock and go back to sleep. I'm angry at myself.

I didn't want to end up like my brothers, I didn't want to be looked as I was nothing. Just another waste of teenage schooling. I feel more bad that anyone would love to go to school and then I avoid going to school. I have a choice and others don't.

People always say I shouldn't compare how much other peoples lives are worse then mine. I had some thoughts about life. I think we're all part of this big book of earth and everything. Plus we ourselves own books of our own lives. There is always an ending to a book. well, no grrr. I don't know and I don't give a shit. I have to use the washroom badly so I'll be right back. okay?

Alright now I'm back and refreshed of my blatter fluids. hahaha. I still don't feel refreshed just dirty and greasy. I think I'll go have a shower soon after I'm done writing this.

I don't know if the world will end or continue. I know that my life will end and I just wish it was now. I know that I want my life to end, but I don't have enough courage to end it myself. I would rather die getting hit by some car that will end my life not just break my leg or put me in the hospital. Actually kill me, end my life and then I'll be happy.

I'm going to finish watching sex and the city and then go have a shower. Its almost done. time is 10:46pm. Goodnight my lovely. I promise to try and not lie to you anymore. It kills me to hurt you and not be around you everyday.

Sincerely forever yours,
the secret mind of yours truly kiwibitch ♥

As I always say another day, another blog. Today was great. My cousins came over. They basically woke me up at 11:00am and I set my alarm clock at 10:00am. I got out of bed and turned off my alarm clock thinking that I could just sleep for a few more minutes which turned out into an hour.

I was going to clean my room before they came but I didn't. So I just washed my hair in the laundry tub downstairs, cleaned myself with baby wipes, and got dressed.

We left to nonna's house. We celebrated Leo's birthday, which was in March. Pretty stupid if I must add. She spelt Happy Barday, instead of happy birthday. Yeah, I guess not having enough of schooling makes you illiterate. Not really. I learned how to read out of school. I've learned/still learning grammar more. Which is a good thing I have a grammar checker on my computer. Sometimes I ignore it, because I use words that aren't even in a dictionary, which I think they should be added. Possibly won't be anyway.

So before hanging out me and E walked over to price chopper to get some mayonnaise, milk, and ice cream. btw, it was smarties ice cream. yummy. :P we walked back and joked a few times. It was fun.

When we got back we ate sandwiches, left over chicken wings, and potatoes. After that we(my cousins) went to watch the world cup game of Mexico v.s. Iran. Mexico won. I think it was 3-0. I can't remember just the thought of making fun of Mexico soccer fans and the country name Iran. I kept saying Iren. Making it sound very eeeeeish sound. hahaha.

After that we went to eat nonna's chocolate cake and ice cream. It was yummmmyyyy :P haha. So we rested for a while and then went to play some soccer. It was fun. We laughed and joked and guess who's team won?? OURS!!! We were going soon, so we said next goal scores and L scored the last goal. It was amazing. She was awesome and so was everyone who played. :D It was the first time out in daylight and it was great. I felt the great outdoors, the wind, and the beautiful sun. I missed it. I'm not like those people who hate the sunlight. I love it. I've always hated the dark. I loved the early Saturday mornings. Now I miss who I was. Free, wild, and especially me.

sincerely yours,
the wild mind of the happy kiwi. ♥

I haven't posted since last Wednesday, which wasn't such a good thing. Now it’s about 3:34am June 11. Tomorrow, well actually today. My cousins are coming over. It will be a delight considering that my room is still a mess and I haven't had a shower yet.

Well I think I'll sleep for a few hours and then wake up by my alarm clock. I was on myspace forums. It was pretty crappy. Especially when I acted like a bitch and people told me I was one. It does hurt and other times I think that everyone in their life has at least acted like a bitch or asshole.

The thing about it was that nobody backed me up on it except this guy, which didn't matter because it was just one person. I know everywhere; everyone backs up the person who knows what they're talking about. I knew what I was talking about and only one person who didn't really matter to me cared.

That's about my life, no one to stick up for me or back me up on anything. I don't have any true friends that have ever stood up for me. I've had friends, which I stood up for them and then they act like bitches and step all over me. Why can't I find any true friends? Why it is that no one likes me. No one loves me; no one gives a shit about me. That's why I'm a bitch. I've shut out the world and kept in silence and isolation. That's why I've been an outcast all my life. Everyone always didn't like me. Yeah I'm an alien. A loser. A loner.

I've always hated life. I wondered what the purpose was, like everyone else. Really, I didn't want to be here and face those days of punishment. All those people pushed me around and made me angry and want to cry. They keep judging me. I kept holding on by telling myself that they didn't know me. I didn't talk much because I didn't want to know anything about me so they couldn't judge me any more, but I was wrong. They judged and did everything to make my life a living hell. They made fun of my clothes and the way I did things.

I used to get my clothes from goodwill and wal-mart. If I did keeping wearing those clothes, my life would still be worse. What I really hate the most is that a long time ago people thought those stores were just for losers and loners. Now shopping in those stores is a fashion trend. When I first heard about that I was furious. I got my life ruined because of a soon to be fashion trend. I fucking hate hypocrites. I hate judgemental fuckers.

So I basically have to go to school on Monday. It’s the last week before exams and its right. They'll question and I will leave them with only their thoughts to ponder and think whatever they like. I don't need to tell them. They do not need to know.

The one classroom I'm afraid of is the music class. The students there actually ask a bunch of questions until the teacher Mr.Bove gets in on it too. They wait for an answer and then why I just stare and then don't answer, that's when Mr.Bove comes in for the last piece of meat he can grab and then I'm staring Mr. Bove in the face and saying nothing. I think saying nothing will be good enough. Say nothing and make them think all they want. I'm thinking about not going to music class. I think it will be best to miss it.

Now its 4:43am it's been about an hour and I should get to bed. Goodnight or I mean Good Morning. haha

I know I didn't write yesterday. I forgot and then when I was just about to go to bed, I remembered. A lot of things have changed that I possibly would have caused. Mom is being transferred to another school because of her absences. I'm possibly going to fail this whole semester.

When I was talking to Mr. Young, it annoyed me the fact that he was telling me everything I was doing wrong. Mr. Young is my guidance counsellor. I knew what the fuck I was doing wrong. When I go back to school, I will have a bunch of people telling me that. It will scare me and I won't be able to come back. I thought of telling them to shut the fuck up. I don't know if I will be able to do it.

I was thinking of going to school today and then I slept through my alarm clock. I can't take it anymore. I want to go, but I'm scared of going. I got two more days left till next week. Plus next week is the week before exams. So today I noticed that no one had left me a text message or called my phone. I always called them or sent them a text message and they never replied. So fuck them. Katie is probably pissed off that I didn’t show last night. Well I don't care. I'm not wasting my time getting into more shit.

I've had thoughts today. If I clean up my room and I think it will be better. I'm tired of all these people who are my so called friends. I just deleted my text messages. I had soo many. I feel bad. It’s going to cost so much. I keep telling them to stop sending me text messages. Call me. I still need to tell mom. Now my current doing is sitting here in my underwear and my shirt typing this. I should put on some pants and get cleaning. Or get something to eat first before cleaning. I'll probably find my history book. Hope to do so.

Sincerely yours, the secret mind of...

p.s. maybe this is the end. or maybe it’s the beginning of a terrible ending. I've always hated maybes. now I follow a maybe everywhere. ♥ I give you love, and hoping you will return it. :)